i do this

i trip on footpath cracks, not a real trip,
just the one where the bottom of your foot
hits and scuffs

i walk into people when i turn corners
i mis-time the psplck when i kiss
someone on the cheek

i count out the wrong change
in crowded supermarkets

i try to open locked pub doors,
everyone inside looking,
mouths near beers

i leave blobs of conditioner
in the tops of my ears

i get pimples
at the most inappropriate times

i often answer "how are you?"
when people ask "how are you?"

my face goes red when i drink red wine

i never know when girl
is interested in me
it takes long chats
and a phone call or 40

i have ghostly dreams in which
i am walking down the street
with my fly emphatically undone

i been known to walk dog poo
through a neighbour's house

i copy people's dancing styles
on the odd occasions i dance

when i blow my nose
little bits of tissue sometimes remain above my mouth

when people ask me about a movie
i should have seen but haven't
i often say i have seen it
then when they go into a story about
a certain scene
i nod knowingly but am frantically hoping
they're not making it all up to catch me out

i say very inappropriate things
at work drinks get-togethers

i've bought endless items from shops
simply because the assistant was cute

i've come very close to losing my
speedos in the surf (several times)

i've tried to put a condom on backwards

i've written extensive notes for myself
when i've spoken to a girl on the phone to the first time

i got my baggage searched one day
at sydney airport
the pockmarked officer smirking
at my rainbow patterned underpants
which came in a 12-pack
which mum had bought me for christmas
the year before

i do that
i do all that and more

and will probably continue to do so
forever.